Missed calls

Can I just tell you how much I hate my cell phone? It has become a permanent fixture on my body at all times, whether it's in my pocket on vibrate at work, or on super loud next to my head while I sleep. I cannot stand being so dependent on it, but I can't help it. I randomly search myself frantically when I think I left it somewhere. People who witness me crazily feeling myself up probably think I'm looney, but whatever. You know that feeling you get when you think you locked your keys in the car/left the iron on/forgot your drivers license? That's how I feel if I realize that I left a room without my phone. It's terrible. I love and hate my phone at the same time, both because it's my lifeline to my husband. Stupid pink hunk of cheap metal, oh how i lo(athe)ve you.

And yet, I still miss calls. I've missed two thus far (he's been gone 2 weeks today), and everytime I feel so terrible. I know I'll miss more, so I need to get over it. It's going to be a looooong 50 (ew) weeks if I fret about every phone call that I miss. Today was the worst because I just want to talk to him so badly, even though I really have nothing of importance to say. He sounded so tired in the voicemail he left that my heart just broke.

I cannot wait until I can leave my cell phone to shower, go to the bathroom, sleep, etc. Moreso though, and this disgusts me, I cannot wait to get a new phone in December. One with a strong vibrate so that I can feel it at work and not miss godforsaken calls.

Chub-be-gone

I decided to get off my ass and do something about the 20+ pounds I've gained since Todd and I met (see super skinny picture a la 2003, below), so I decided to do the Couch to 5k (c25k) program. Theoretically, it'll have me running 5k without stopping by the end of 9 weeks. I finished the first week yesterday, and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. However, I finished something exercise related, and that is a huge step for me. Usually, after feeling how hard the first day was (ie, I wanted to die), I would have quit. This time, I got some support from friends that run (thank you to Ash, Court, Bev, and Steph!) and modified my approach a little. My second day was much more successful, and my third was even better. I actually gained some speed! I start the second week on Tuesday, where I run for longer. I'm a little nervous, but I think I can do it.

I'm also back on Weight Watchers. I figured why not, since I'm paying for it. I'm doing the online version where I don't go to meetings. I don't need to sit around with people lamenting about my weight and how I ate two donuts at work on Friday (which I did, and I lamented about it...alone). The online tools (points tracker, activity tracker, and recipe builder) are fantastic. I weigh in on Mondays, and I'm really just hoping for at least a one pound loss a week. I'd be ecstatic for two, but I like food a lot. I do really well in the beginning of the week, but then by the end of the weekend I'm deep into my flex points. Just last night I ate a whole bag of ranch soy crisps. However, it's better than eating a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I have no junk food in my house, other than the soy crisps, and gluten free, wheat free, dairy free cookies. They taste like peanut butter chocolate cardboard, but if I dunk them in chocolate soy milk, it's not so bad. Sort of.

I also joined the YMCA. My sign up fee was waived since Todd is gone, and the monthly fee is not bad at all. All the classes are free, and there is a really nice pool. It's also never very crowded, even in the evenings. I'm doing my running program outside while it's still nice, but I won't be able to finish it outside since I'll be going until the end of October. So the indoor track and the treadmills at the Y are a must. I'm going to hang out and get really comfortable with running 5k, then I'll think about doing the program that gets you from 5k to 8k. But one thing at a time.

My goal is to lose 25lbs by my 25th birthday. That gives me ~5 months. I can definitely do it. My reward will be Vegas. I love Vegas. And no counting points while I'm there.

Paulie!

It was colder today, so he wore his sweatshirt.

Paulie is 10 months old today, so I figured I'd snap some pictures and post them. He was a complete nutball this afternoon, and I caught some of it on film.

Breakdancing!!

He's a maniac, maniac....

And then he rested, and gave me dirty looks.

Happy Birthday poopnut! =)

5 years

Todd and I have been together for 5 years today. That's half a decade, and when I think about that it seems like longer. Five years ago all I was worried about was not eating anything in front of him that made my breath smell. Now I put tons of garlic and onions in most things I make. Oh how times have changed. For example:


Sept. '03 Sept. '08


We're so tiny in that first picture. It was our first real date, sometime in the first or second week of September. I can't really remember where we went, but I'm tempted to say Applebees. Tres romantic. The second one was taken the day he left, and I was trying to stay happy and keep him calm and laughing. This picture worked, even though I look like a creep. That was also the first time I've even come close to holding any kind of weapon.

So what are we doing today, you ask? I'm working for 8.5 hours, getting fitted for a bridesmaid dress, picking up Paulie from daycare, and then feasting on Culver's as my last fat meal. See that picture from 2003? I want to look like that again. Todd, being 9 or 10 hours ahead of me, is in the middle of the afternoon right now. I hope he gets to eat Taco Bell (yes, they have that where he is right now) and watch some of the first season of Prison Break today. Happy anniversary poopface, I love you!

Feeling blessed...

It's strange, but I've never felt so much support than I have this past week. It's so overwhelming that sometimes I don't even know what to say. I'm feeling it more from people here than at home, but I expected that, and it's a big reason why I stayed in Colorado instead of moving home. I know our family and friends care more than they can express in words, and I think it comes down to many of them not knowing what to say. I don't imagine that it's easy to talk to me about Todd being deployed. It seems that most people at home want to tread lightly and not get too deep into the subject, and that's perfectly ok. I sort of expected it. This is a really bad analogy considering our situation, but I liken it to not knowing what to say to people after their loved ones die. I personally never know what to do or say, so how can I expect anyone else to in this situation? All too often people worry about saying the wrong thing, but the most important thing is being there, and I know that our family and friends are more than there for me.

I'm repeating myself, but the support here from my Army family is tremendous, and it helps so very much. There are a lot of us going through this for the first time, and it really helps to be able to sort out what we're feeling together. It's not a big sobfest like people think either, or at least it hasn't been yet. It also helps that I have friends and neighbors who have gone through this before--they offer advice and insight without being pushy, and seem to know when it's appropriate and when I just need space. I'm so thankful for each and every person who has gone out of their way for me this week. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone even though I feel so lonely sometimes in this empty house. For some reason, it surprises me right now that there are several people that I could call if I needed to talk/cry/etc. And these are people that I've known for less than 4 months. I always heard that once I moved here it'd be like having a whole new family, but I never really realized how much until today.

Hello from Maine!

No, I'm not in Maine, but Todd was. That was their last CONUS stop before heading to Europe, then to the middle east. Here he is on the phone with me (I think):





There is a group of people in Maine that take pictures of troops coming and going to Iraq/Afghanistan/whathaveyou, and they post them to a website for families to see a leg of their journey. You can view pictures of an ocean of ACU's here. Thanks to all the photographers and people who help, this is a great thing! =)

And so it begins...

I haven't posted in awhile because Todd and I were trying to fit a lot of stuff into a small amount of time. He left a few days ago, and will be gone for a year. I can't say where he is right now, or where he'll be going for security reasons, but when I get an address I'll give it to whoever wants it. It will not, however, be posted for all to see on the interwebs. Just shoot me an email. I got a call from him late Monday night and he sounded tired, but ok. I have a feeling that's how he'll sound a lot during the next year. I don't know when I'll hear from him again, but hopefully it will be within the next week or so.

When I left him on Monday, it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It feels sort of surreal, not having him here in the evening, or having him come home from PT in the mornings. I'm sure the weirdness will lessen as the weeks go on, but being in this house without him is strange. It was one thing to live alone in Dekalb--it was my apartment. But this is our house, with our things, and memories of us together. Although I only had four short months here before he left, I feel like it was a blessing. We had so much fun and got to do all the things we wanted to do before our summer ended.

Despite the weirdness, and although I'm definitely sad, I feel like I'm going to be ok. I've made good friends out here in Colorado, and have a great support system back home. I really couldn't ask for a better group of family and friends. I'm looking at this as a time to grow as a person, although a lot of people say that time freezes during a deployment. It obviously does not. I have a new job, and I'll be starting internship in January. I volunteer for two different organizations out here and am looking to add a third. My life is not frozen, and neither is Todd's. We won't be the same people we are now in 12 months. Our experiences during that time won't allow that, and that's ok. I'm not afraid of growing apart because I know that, while it won't be easy when he comes home, it won't be impossible to be a couple again. We've come too far in the last five years together, and our sixth year together, while spent apart, will be entirely worth it.

Thanks to everyone who's called, emailed, etc in the last few days. I appreciate (and I know Todd does too) all the kind words and support that everyone has shown us. Please keep Todd in your thoughts, and send him some cold vibes--it's HOT over there! Like 120-140 hot. Ew.